dear somebody..

i just wanted to you know some things,
that i`ve never said before ..

` do you know how it feels ?
to know that you were never allowed to act like a kid,
because you were too busy splitting up fights..
taking the hit,
screaming at the top of your lungs,
to keep the peace,
to walk on egg shells, all the time,
incase it starts another fight,
you said you care..
thats extreamly hard to believe,
when you wanted to send me to a foster home ..
because "i would be better off..
i hate that i feel this way,
and, forever this will be my cross to bare,
i kept these secrets ever since i was 3,
and, it never stopped till i was 10,
yet somehow, i still hate your guts,
i can`t stand to look at your face,
and know that your the reason,
that my family`s gone..
does it keep you up at night ?
to know that your daughter hates you ?
to know that, she still hurts .
to know that, forever you`ve scarred her ?
the anxiety comes back every once and a while,
like, now..
do you know ? you made it hard for me, not to trust people.. ?
and that`s because of you.
i don`t know how to get away from this,
or, to tell you how much you don`t mean to me,
leave me alone, and i`ll be fine.
you`ve ruined a lot of shit for me,
just be happy, i still live with you.
i`m absolutely cold towards you.
don`t tell me, it`s because you care
if you cared, you wouldn`t of left me alone for years.
no body understands how bad it was, when i was with you..
the scareaming, the hitting, the fights, and how intense they were,
is this what you want me to remember ?
is this supposed to make me trust you,
or believe you, when you say you care ?
was it your intention ..
that i don`t have any childhood memories, bc i block out all those years..
all the times, that i was in the middle, that i got hurt bc of you ?
you`ve hurt, scarred, and damaged me enough,
you mean NOTHING to me,
thanks for nothing.

-rebecca christina kennedy.